Bullets for the Battle

The Bullet of Communication

Based on my years of experience in counseling families and the comments of all the experts I’ve ever read on the subject, I would say without question that the major problem in marriage is not … repeat … is not finances, sex, children, location, vocation or health! The greatest problem and major stumbling block to joyous family living is the lack of effective communication. Marriage is an intimate relationship built on mutual understanding, but, in order to truly understand another person, you must be able to communicate with him. A husband and wife can know a great deal about each other without knowing one another.

Definition: Communication is the process that allows people to know each other, to relate to one another, and to understand the true meaning of the other person’s life.


Author John Powell lists five levels of communication in his fine book entitled, Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am.

“Level Five: Cliché Conversation.” This type of talk is very safe. We use words such as, “How are you?” “How is your family?” “Where have you been?” “I like your suit.” In this type of conversation there is no personal sharing. Each person remains safely behind his screen.

“Level Four: Reporting the Facts About Others.” In this kind of conversation we are content to tell others what someone else has said, but we offer no personal commentary on these facts. We just report the facts like the five o’clock news each day. We share gossip and little narrations, but we do not commit ourselves or share our feelings about it.

“Level Three: My Ideas and Judgments.” This is where some real communication begins. The person is willing to step out of his solitary confinement and risk telling some of his ideas and decisions. However, he is still cautious and is quick to retreat if he senses that what he is saying is not being accepted.

In our next post we will continue exploring the last two levels of communication where true openness can occur.